So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

There comes a time in the young lives of most people where the life of someone who is loved comes to an end. For children, this time of mourning can be one of sadness, grief, fear, and/or confusion. While manners and etiquette can not alone address the impact on a child, may I offer that allowing a child to participate in the family rituals and protocols surrounding a death in the family could be a positive endeavor. It gives them a way to participate in the "goodbye" and receive exposure to the love, support and expectations of their communities.

Often, the first bereavement experience could be the death of a community member (i.e., neighbor, family friend, church member), an older relative or a even beloved family pet. While there is no question that there is likely a remarkable difference between these in terms of gravity and legacy of those lives, the feelings associated could be very similar.

After informing the child and allowing time to let the information settle, share the actions that will take place. Be sure to let them know the time frame involved and general expectations. When possible, give the child the opportunity to observe from whatever distant feels comfortable and participate as appropriate for the specific child.

Here are 5 ways that can etiquette be a part of the solution in helping a child cope during times of mourning:

1. Give the child words to say upon greeting the bereaved; or, what to say when someone offers condolences. Avoid forcing a child to hug or kiss anyone even during these times.

2. Let the child help choose, prepare and/or deliver sympathy cards or gifts.

3. Let the child know about the events that will take place and what clothes or attire will be appropriate.

4. Knowing that small children may be unable to remain though an hour(s) long wake/visitation/viewing/funeral/interment/repast,etc., be thoughtful about selecting what parts of the family's rituals and traditions are most important to you and consider facilitating the child's attendance only at those deemed most important and relevant to your family.

5. If sympathy cards or gifts were received, allow the child to observe and/or participate in the writing and sending of thank you notes.

Since death is a part of life, it can be helpful to begin to expose children to expectations and protocols in your community and culture as soon as their age and maturity allows.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Leverette